September-October 2015

A roundup of notable quotables

“I just like pigs.”

Larry William Henry, 64, of Millersville, Pennsylvania, to police after he was found drunk and naked in a hog barn from which he’d previously been banned, when officers asked him why he was there. (

“Well, the problem with necrophilia cases is that the victims very rarely come forward.”

An unnamed TDCAA staff attorney during a watercooler discussion about, yes, necrophilia.

“Next you’re gonna tell me that Texas isn’t a planet.”

Stephen Colbert, during an interview with Neil deGrasse Tyson, who insists that Pluto isn’t a planet. Colbert pointed out that Pluto has a moon (“and planets have moons!”), and the moon is as big as Texas. (

“If the government has an idea they can come in and take over and take guns away, the stupidest place they could come is West Texas. There’s more guns and ammo here and more people willing to use them than any combat area they’ve fought in.”

Bill Ford, a commissioner in Tom Green County, as quoted in the New York Times regarding Operation Jade Helm 15, an eight-week military exercise conducted in seven states. (

“I’m not sure how they do that in Colorado. You can only kill someone one time.”

Polk County Criminal District Attorney Lee Hon to a friend on Facebook, who had asked how Colorado prosecutors charged James Holmes, the gunman who killed 12 people inside an Aurora, Colorado, movie theater, with two counts of first-degree murder each. Holmes was found guilty of all 24 counts of murder.

“None of the three looked like they were in danger. None of the three were where I would have liked them to be, but not many dogs in East Texas would fit that bill.”

Humane Society of Marion County President Caroline Wedding, of the three pit bulls that were found chained on property in Gray, Texas, with little access to food and water. (

“For purposes of [Art. 18.24 of the Code of Criminal Procedure], ‘body cavity search’ applies only to cavities below the waist and does not include a pat-down (but if that last caveat makes a difference in how you conduct a pat-down, you are doing it wrong).”

TDCAA Director of Governmental Relations Shannon Edmonds, in the 2015–17 Legislative Update book, on House Bill 324, which prohibits a peace officer from conducting a warrantless body cavity search during a traffic stop.

“You’re one of those rare people who looks like a child and a child molester at the same time.”

Comedian Jeff Ross to a prisoner named Michael in the Brazos County Jail. Ross filmed a comedy special, “Jeff Ross Roasts Prisoners: Live at Brazos County Jail,” earlier this year. (It’s available for streaming on Comedy Central’s website,